My last blog post was about connections with others and our craving for them. OK, I’ll admit, I was a little proud of the way I avoided giving easy answers in that post.
That little piece of pride should be been a red flag to me – Trouble Coming!
I rewrote the article at least five times, each time to remove any ‘how-to’ solutions, with the conclusion being there is a mystery involved in connectedness.
This week, tiny snippets of moments have been passing through my mind, like re-runs of old sitcoms I’ve watched.
I’ve been remembering moments from the past – times with friends that I wasn’t available for connecting with them.
The truth from my past, has visited my present – like the ghosts of Christmas past from the Charles Dicken’s novel “A Christmas Carol”.
I have found myself lacking.
I really didn’t want to see that.
I preferred viewing connections from a high and lofty place, above it all, looking down through the clouds of righteous thought. Prideful thoughts.
Today, I want to ask forgiveness, friends, for the times I’ve let you down.
I haven’t always been fully present to hear your story, to grieve with you in your pain, to laugh with you in your silliness, to be present during a time you needed a connection with me.
Forgive me, friend.
I was often tired. Plain worn out from my day to day life – especially when my girls were small, my life was big, my nursing job was stressful.
There is no easy way to say it – I wasn’t always available!
My mind was elsewhere. Or, I was half asleep; thinking of my to-do list, the next event, the next day, or the next hour. Preoccupied by my own thoughts or my own life.
I wasn’t always present in your life when you needed me to connect with.
Forgive me, friend.
And, then, there were the years when my own health struggles were larger than my life could bear. I struggled to get through each day. I struggled to get a handle- a life line – a prayer to make it through.
Looking back, I wonder how I didn’t notice your struggles and wasn’t available for your heartache. It would have meant so much to connect with you, but I was weighed down with worry, with troubles, with life.
Forgive me, friend…
for the times when I wasn’t available to connect with you when you needed me.
I’ve learned so much since then.
I’ve seen more clearly that during my own tough circumstances, sometimes the best thing I can do is to look to another’s needs, to pray for a friend, instead of focusing on myself.
To look outward, instead of inward – and upward (a God view), instead of downward (a problem focus).
But, the truth is – I wasn’t always available to connect with you.
Forgive me, friend.
I’d like to think I’m fully recovered, fully available, fully present now for each of my loved ones.
The truth is, I’m human. My head is easily turned. My heart is easily worn down. My focus is easily lost.
Forgive me, friend, for the ways I may forget, again, the lessons I’m learning today about connections and I may wander into unhealthy habits of the past – of self focused ways and selfish thoughts.
I desire to connect with you, friend!
I want to have a heavenly heart, and God wise ways, and sweet fellowship.
I want to be loving and kind, patient in hardship, gentle in all my responses.
I want to be a faithful and true friend.
Day in, day out – to be available for you to connect with.
Today I’m learning that without forgiveness, connection isn’t possible.
It removes the ever-present strongholds of self and the enemy’s deceptions that seek to encamp around us and isolate us from others.
Forgiveness is the sweet antidote to much of what ails us in our relationships. The God cure. His example, His gift in Jesus – to make the impossible – connection – possible.
**Lord, Thank you for making a way. Forgive us our selfishness and lead us out into Your perfect ways and plans. To You be the glory! Amen.
“Forgive and you will be forgiven.” Luke 6:37