A Wee Bit of My Story

I’m starting with a confession because this is where this all began for me. There were four to five years that I only read the Psalms when I read the Bible, which I do up to an hour a day. Let me clarify, I could have read from other books of the Bible, but, somehow, my heart drew me over and over to the Psalms, almost exclusively. I was drawn to them. I couldn’t make myself stop.

Every day after my time in the Bible, I’d promise myself – ‘Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll read the Gospels, or Isaiah. I’ll read any other book besides the Psalms’. Then, tomorrow came, and I found myself opening up my Bible to the Psalms, yet again. I poured over the Psalms, I couldn’t get enough. I ate them as only a hungry person can.

I never told anyone about this odd hunger I had until about 4 years ago. Honestly, I was embarrassed by it. I didn’t understand it. I’d never met anyone else who’d mentioned having an addiction to reading the Psalms.

I probably need to explain myself further. My immersion in the Psalms and many life altering moments for me began when I experienced an unexplainable health condition that changed everything. All my life became measured as befores or afters – July 26th, 2006 – the day my universe irrevocably shifted. It was for me a ‘before-catastrophy’ (b.c.) and ‘after-catastrophy’ (a.c.) life event.

What happened is hard to explain, suffice it to say my world crashed down around me as I began having bizarre reactions to things – normal things. It began on July 26th with food reactions – deep, intense itchiness and throat tightening with most foods I ate. I lost 25 lbs in 1 month and, of course, I started seeing nutritionists, who had no answers. I was asked by one if I was having any other allergic reactions, I said “No”, but I was wrong.

I soon began having bizarre reactions to a wide variety of products – perfumes, cigarette smoke, cleaning products all started causing me severe discomfort. My body would start to visibly shake, my head would get dizzy, and I would ache all over. Fertilizers, fresh paint, even my teen-age daughter’s friends hair products could become a toxic situation. My best description is I felt like I had a terrible flu with dizziness, which was resolved by my removing myself from a certain environment. My participation in what I’d term ‘normal’ life became a challenge.

So, I removed myself – often. I left my home to feel OK. It was a simple and immediate cure, but involvement in life’s activities became a challenge.

This became a mean cycle and I’ve read of others who suffered from similar symptoms – this series of bizarre reactions had a name – called either ‘environmental illness’ or ‘chemical sensitivities’. It’s a mostly female and menopausal problem, caused by histamine-related reactions, also tied to mold allergies, all of which I don’t plan to detail in this writing. I hope you won’t judge me for what I can best call an unexplainable illness.

I’ve often thought how my struggles with this poorly understood and untreatable environmental illness would make an extremely popular reality tv show, but I’m not one for the spotlight and I don’t think I’d enjoy the responses people might have to these troubles I’ve waded through.

Anyway, my years of reading the Psalms happened in the midst of these challenging years while I struggled to come to terms with my body’s reactions and to live through it all. It wasn’t until 4 years ago I told a wise life coach that counseled me about my ‘season in the Psalms’ and her immediate response was – “Oh, God rooted you in prayer.”

That was an ‘Aha!’ moment. Those words set off a ‘Ding..Ding…Ding!’ in my brain – truth dawning. Honestly, it was wonderful to put a name to a purpose behind a season that I didn’t understand, which truly embarrassed me.

Anyway, this is where prayer was birthed in me. It didn’t get in me fast – no it seeped in, slow like, one drop, one small verse at a time. I was immersed in the Psalms during these years, marinating in them and something grew there. I’ll be honest, I didn’t understand what was happening. I still don’t fully.

I was in a season of deep sorrow and loss with nowhere to go, no answers to be found, no explanations to be had, and so I read the Psalms which were full of stories of terrible losses, heartaches and unbearable situations. Even though I didn’t understand much of what I read, I read on. I was met there.

So many people describe their faith journey as one with much certainty and increasing knowledge base. Not me. My faith travel is one of unknowing – bumping uncertainly down a path barely seeing where the next step will take me, but trusting He’ll go with me.

A new fav theologian/pastor/writer I follow these days, Nadia Bolz-Weber, explains faith this way – “Faith functions in my life as something closer to gravity than ideology.” Me too, Nadia. Me too.

All that to say, much of the Psalms bewildered me and befuddled me! I did not understand much of what I read – I’m speaking of curses on enemies (they’re mean!) and furious laments and woes all wildly above my head. But, still, I read on. Oddly, I didn’t turn to commentaries on the Psalms – somehow I wasn’t looking for intellectual understanding so much as to have my thirst quenched. That’s my best description of how I approached the Psalms – like a thirsty woman seeking water and, thanks be to God, my thirst was quenched.

My troubles had a new perspective – a bit larger view with a sovereign God somehow leading the way – somehow in charge, even when my life was crumbling around me. I still don’t fully get it. But, my travels through the Psalms led me to trust God’s goodness just a wee bit more.

It was in this place I learned to pray – in my desperation – in my neediness. I didn’t find all the answers there, that’s part of my story. But, I found something better. I found God. I found Him enough. I found Him merciful. I found Him present – truly, with me – through it all.

I haven’t shared my story, publicly, until now. I’m doing it with the hope of sharing a glimpse into my heart that it might be the smallest sacrifice of praise this Lent – some small recounting of God’s goodness to me in the midst of one of the most life-altering and life-forming events of my life. “Soli Deo Gloria” – Glory to God Alone!
(Psalm 126:5,6)

My apologies for initial misquote of Nadia Bolz-Weber, correction has been made. So sorry!